The 24 tweeters you’ve definitely known…

Because it’s my four-year Twitter anniversary today and I have important things to say but I’m too emotional for them today so have this instead for now. Or this from last year.

  1. The spammer/interloper There was the time the official Twitter account of Um Bongo started talking to me. Then the time a man intercepted a conversation to tell me that as a woman I should be proud of my hairy arms…
  2. The Hallmark quote machine “Today is the first day of the rest of your life.”  For anyone who’s been married, bereaved, disabled or a parent…
  3. The moaning Londoner “I hate my commute/my landlord/my life.” Pretty much everyone there.
  4. The Londoner who has no idea anything happens outside London  If they use the hashtag #notlondon whenever they have to leave London for an hour, violence is basically allowed.
  5. The chippy non-Londoner Doesn’t want to know about anything happening in London. Replies to anyone concerned about the cost of living in London or the South East with: “Why aren’t you a teacher/engineer?” “Why don’t you live in Staffordshire?”
  6. The single bloke who retweets fart jokes Plus references to Star Wars, Seinfeld and Monty Python, and Instagrams of tinned food with a 90s use-by date from his kitchen.
  7. The single bloke in I.T/finance who thinks he’s cleverer than everyone because he did a BSc/is an atheist As above. Probably says “faux” or “bien peasant” a lot.
  8.  The moaning divorcee Only tweets to grumble about traffic/trains/weather/customer service. You’d have left too.
  9. …or the one who says the relationship broke down because he was an incurable romantic. Bruv, I didn’t drive up the Danube in a dodgem…
  10. The precariously-married bloke Crowdsources marital and childcare advice/anniversary present suggestions. Follows Men’s Health’s agony aunt and lots of women newsreaders. Retweets things like “Don’t promise when you’re happy, don’t decide when you’re sad” from the Hotel Amigo Brussels at one in the morning.
  11. The “quirky” girl Describes self as a poet/comedian/free spirit. Likes sitcoms, comics, cosplay, gin, vintage shops, French cigarettes. Plays the harp/banjo/ukulele. Had an X Files fan site when she was 11. Frequent Amercianisms. Veiled reference to day job in recruitment in Basingstoke.
  12. The one who sincerely finds Ricky Gervais and Guy Ritchie funny WHY? *spreads hands in Gallic gesture of bafflement*.
  13. The high-earner who thinks everyone else does One of the under 35s who lucked out despite the recession. Either married or runs a blog about their “dating horrors”, aka the time someone only took them out to Zizzi.
  14. As above, but even younger and smugger Look, if you’re not even 21, you can’t have a “former” career and you are too young to call yourself a “gin quaffer”. Stick to Aftershocks and Netflix.
  15. The right-wing troll Thinks Norman Tebbit is a pansy. Lots of opinions about Muslims and Eastern Europe, knows naff-all about either. What the block button is for.
  16. The left-wing troll Thinks voting and monogamy are bourgeois and the New Statesman is crypto-fascist. Tweets about American politics a lot; lives in South London. Confused you for ages because you thought ‘twoc’ was Geordie for stealing.
  17. The self-employed creative who live tweets their meetings and filling in their tax return Look look look, I’m all grown-up now.
  18. The one too clever to fall for fake Photoshop memes or glurge who somehow does Aunty Maeve who’s not too good at the internet is one thing, but you? You? You posting that picture of starving children drinking rainwater, hashtag “Perspective”?  Honestly.
  19. …and the one who loves being first and smuggest to point them out “Dear interwebz, that photo you’re all tweeting is a fake. I work for The Times. I knew last week. kthxbye.”
  20. The contrarian Doesn’t give a shit about the big news story of the day/person who’s just died and wants you all to know it. Doesn’t know quietly hashtag-blocking, muting or not looking at Twitter for an hour are options. See also:
  21. The Whatabouter Wants everyone upset about something to know that the really important issue in this is something else and that they’re a terrible person for having all the wrong priorities.
  22. The conspiracy theorist  The person who’ll find any way of proving that everything and everyone, from the BBC to their best friends, secretly hates or disagrees with them.
  23. The perpetual hate-reader Just STOP READING IT.
  24. The “foodie” aka,”I’m 24; I eat Polpo not Dominoes Pizza and I can cook more than spag on toast.”
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